- June 27th, 20:45
I feel like I can't handle it. Like it's killing me. Is there anyone I can trust? What are the words to say? I simply feel like I'm not able to handle too much of a good thing. I am jealous, nervous, tense, quiet, unsure. It is killing me. I think, would it not be better to end it now, so at least I have gone out happy? Am I happy now, with the things I've done? I hate the jealousy that I feel. The unwarranted jealousy. The feeling that, after all this, I am not good enough; that I could be thrown away without a second glance. What worth do I see in myself? Next to none. I don't know what you see in me. What is here, within me, to cherish? Anyone can leave in an instant, out of my life just like that. When I sit to think on it too much, I am so nervous to lose you so much that I begin to lose myself. I am nothing, I am only me, I am the only person I have to look out for. There are no other lives depending on me to live, to learn, to guide. Just myself, and I myself feel I am not worth it. I crave for my life to mean something, to have someone to live for. I've always been a person who wants to help others, in the deepest, most loving way. I have great compassion in my heart, but I am not sure where to express it. Or if it is appropriate. When I am alone now, I feel trapped, in a cage. When I am with others, I feel content. Myself. But alone, I'm left to my own designs, my own abusive thoughts. Others alleviate that pain. I am too much a coward to seek help, or to admit that help is even needed. I could be deluding myself. The jealousy eats at me. It's my greatest weakness.